So ytd I've managed to piss off the no.1 person on the "do not ever piss off" list.
And yes I do agree that whatever I said was rude and I shouldn't say that just bc I don't like them.
But even so, I didn't mean 'what the fuck are you doing in my country you shouldn't even be allowed in here' I just meant a casual what the fuck why them. And I've been using that word for the whole day so it sorta just slipped out of my mouth?? Or fingers wtv.
And then I got a (very direct) indirect tweet from her and it's the 3rd (?) time this year and I'm tired of receiving hate from her idek what did I do so wrong that she hates me so much.
Yes I'm very very sorry for the whole cover incident I should've known better that you're very busy but I didn't. I'm sorry :(
And so I think it's from then? That she started hating me and honestly it's hard to forget about that every time I see her in school or something, cause there'll always be that thought lingering at the back of my head like omg better be careful of her don't pda too much she'll probably kill you omg omg.
And now I'm just so tired of trying to bring our friendship to where it was 2 years ago bc obviously I don't think whatever I do is acceptable by her. Or maybe there's just something wrong with me that I need to change.
And if Cheryl didn't intervene ytd would you have said sorry on your own?? Idek. Bc you said what 'I'm saying sorry because I made you angry'
I don't even think I feel angry, I'm just upset that there's this big gap between us and I'm threatened to fall in anytime and I can't do anything about it? Okay and maybe a little angry bc I'm the one having to say sorry all the fucking time.
So this afternoon I was just thinking about whether she would have said sorry herself. And idk whether it was about me but there was another string of indirect tweets about not reflecting and that "I was nice for the last time, you didn't cherish it, you thought you were queen, you took it for granted, you better not regret."
wow.
idek what to think now is she talking about me I think she is?
this once again goes against everything in that message last night??
idk everything feels so forced and like idk whether she really forgave me or not so I didn't really trust her?? Or Cheryl for that matter. Once bitten twice shy you know.
I just can't bring myself to trust anyone now. Yet.
And it fucking hurts so much because she's someone that I really like having as a close friend. It's like I've  always thought we were all nice and happy but all of a sudden she turns around and sticks a knife in my back and with every turn the knife gets sharper.
Maybe I shouldn't even have overstepped my boundaries in the first place, from the cover incident. I thought we were close enough, but I guess not?
I want to go back to sec2 where everything was rainbows and there were those happy times where "my body wave would be just like a dying whale on the beach" and I would draw random mice and get corrected by the (future) art club president.
It's all in one whole big mess now, and EVERYTHING HURTS.
I hate losing things, especially my friends.
And I can't trouble Cheryl anymore I think she's just equally as stressed as her :(
Sorry cheryl, sorry shuyi, sorry to everyone that I've hurt in the past.
I think I need to learn how to be a better friend.
I'm very tired of pleasing people and not being able to voice out my opinions??
But if I did,
What would happen?

























i need to stop crying